I watched a great Ted Talk the other day where an internationally renowned sex and tantra teacher, Diane Richardson discussed the power of Mindful Sex.
Diane starts by explaining that with us humans, sex is influenced by the mind. We decide to have sex. We decide the when and the how, which is in stark contrast to animals where sex is purely instinctive.
Sex is Unique for Humans
Sex is also unique for us humans, because for us sex has the capacity to make us experience joy, excitement, sadness or trauma. This is why couples who predominantly have negative feelings towards their sex life often end up breaking up. This is the power of sex. If it’s unfulfilling in a long-term relationship it is likely to cause a relationship break-down at some point, in the hope that you can achieve more satisfying sex with another partner.
Mindfilled Sex = Distracted and Dissatisdied
Having Mindfilled Sex the majority of the time is what leads to feeling sexually dissatisfied. So what is mindfilled sex? Mindfilled Sex is when you are in your head and thinking about it. You’re in your head, you’re thinking about what’s happening. When will I climax? When will my partner clima? Am I getting it right? Etc. Etc. Mindfilled Sex is goal oriented with the expectation to climax.
As a society, Diane goes to explain that we believe climax is the reason we have sex. The issue with thinking like this is that it causes unnecessary stress and tension as your mind is pre-occupied instead of being in the moment and savouring the sex you are having. The problem isn’t the sex itself it’s the style you are having sex. It’s important that as a collective we explore other ways of enjoying sex that are not fixated on climaxing.
Mindful Sex = Centered, Aware and Satisfied
Diane explains that Mindful Sex is all about using the mind to be present in the body. Your mind has a heightened awareness of the sensations you are feeling while having sex. At the same time, you are also achieving the same quality of awareness that you would in meditation. Having this mind body connection is so important and it’s something that I teach all my clients. When you achieve this state of mind and body synchronicity, and let go of any expectation of climax you will open the doors to experience more intimate and fulfilling sex.
Benefits of Mindful Sex
While Diane states that you don’t have to forego Mindfilled Sex full as the rush, excitement and intensity of sex can be satisfying and pleasurable, she advocates opening your mind to to having Mindful Sex. When you have Mindful Sex with a partner it nurtures the connection between you and leaves you feeling refreshed, uplifted and more in love. Sex should improve the longer you are together, and this is achievable through having more Mindful Sex. It’s not that you can’t climax while having Mindful Sex, it’s more that climax isn’t a goal that you’re fixated on.
How to have Mindful Sex
So how do you have Mindful Sex? Diane summarised in her talk her top tips to having Mindful Sex:
- Have a date and then set 2-3 hours aside after for foreplay and sex. The female body takes longer to open up so give enough time for her to open and invite you in.
- Let the main focus be on giving each other pleasure.
- Make your partner feel valued and appreciated.
- Do regular body scans to relax and release any tensions.
- Breath deep and slow into your belly and genitals.
- When you enter your partner, enter very conscious and very slowly (millimeter by millimeter)
- Each movement is done with awareness to increase sensitivity.
- Stay in the cool zones, don’t get too hot and exalted.
- Keep your eyes open, be present and share in words with your partner how you are feeling.
- Keep it light hearted and have a sense of humour
I hope this has inspired you to have more Mindful Sex or even try it out for the first time. If this is all very new to you and you’d like some guidance, I’d love to help and have some great coaching programs including tried and tested tips and tricks for the bedroom. Get in touch for a free and discreet discovery session to find out more.
Link to Diane’s Ted Talk: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oqyW35EMLuM