One of the truisms of life is that it doesn’t come with an operator’s handbook. It requires experimentation, continuous learning, making and learning from mistakes and constantly adjusting our behaviours and beliefs as we go based on what we experience and learn.
This process we call LIFE!
In few areas is this lack of an instruction manual more obviously displayed than in the bedroom and for many it can create a negative spiral as performance anxiety is confirmed by perceived under performance.
Factors affecting sexual confidence
There are many factors that can create or reinforce this negative spiral including:
Viewing sex as a performance – no one is actually scoring your performance (except perhaps you) and nothing kills a boner faster than the anxiety of not being able to perform;
Perceived lack of experience – guess what – you’re not alone;
Concern about penis size – you can’t do anything about it (don’t believe the ads) so all you can do is work with what you have;
The self-generated expectation to last longer – the best way to last longer is to slow down and realise that women take longer than men – it’s about quality not quantity.
Spectatoring – allowing your mind to “view” your performance as an interested third party. You need to be engaged as a participant and not allow yourself to become a detached observer – believe me she will know when you are spectatoring.
So what to do to relieve all this self-imposed pressure to perform? First you need to recognise that these are all in your head and second that you can change your thoughts and therefore your behaviours.
Mastery is defined as a comprehensive skill or knowledge in a particular area of expertise. It is the ability to control how you respond in a given situation in order to perform at a superior level. It is a lifelong pursuit and not a destination – a continual journey of self development and exploration.
Importantly, Mastery is learned behaviour. It requires knowledge, exploration, tactics, trial and error, reflection and gradual refinement.
Knowledge is power! Get yourself educated about sex. That does not mean watching even more porn. You are not a porn star so don’t compare yourself to one. News flash, very few women want you to be a porn star. Porn is about what appeals to men – it does not reflect what is appealing to women and is therefore an unrealistic guide to better sex.
If you take away only one message from this blog, let it be this; the key to you enjoying mind-blowing sex is to focus on your partner and not on yourself. Be curious about what she enjoys. To do this you need to experiment and notice her response (it may be subtle but it will be there). In doing so you will avoid spectatoring by ensuring you are “in the moment” and her excitement will fuel yours.
There are books available and I can recommend some for you. There are also educational videos available that will provide you with ideas, tips and techniques to broaden your knowledge bank, however books and videos have one limitation, they won’t answer when you ask them a question or seek to understand some aspect of better.
This is where I come in – you can ask your coach for ideas, clarification and hands on practical exercises to assist you to take your knowledge from theory to practical application.
Above all else, the key tactic you must utilise is to be observant. Notice what is working and what is not with your particular partner. This will ensure you stay focused on her and not on you.
I don’t mean this to sound formulaic but the time to develop your tactics is not while you are on the job – it is when you are preparing yourself for the “job”. What you learn as part of educating yourself is information and only when it is applied, reviewed and adjusted does it become knowledge.
Consider what to do, when to do it and how to do it before you actually do it! Don’t be afraid to ask what she likes and how she likes it. This is not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength and confidence and she will repay you with her responsiveness. Don’t be in a rush to “stick it in”. Women take much longer to be ready for penetration so take your time and wait until she is literally begging you to enter her.
External stimulation is much more effective for a woman than early penetration. Wine experts talk about the “rewards of patience” and so do sexuality coaches.
Trust me – you will thank me for this one!
You now have the first two elements of sexual confidence but there is one final thing.
Look after yourself! There is nothing sexy about a man who does not pay enough attention to hygiene and grooming, fitness and nutrition or manners and charm. There is no greater advertisement for you that when you feel good about yourself. If you are too cool to be concerned with such things, that’s fine but I can guarantee you the guys who do are getting way more than you! How cool is that?
Hygiene – sorry but if you or your clothing smell or look unclean no one is going to be interested. Get yourself some decent grooming products and pay attention to your clothing and appearance.
Fitness – If you are carrying a few kilos, you will be self-conscious when you get your kit off – fact! Reward yourself by getting fit and active and eating well. You don’t need to become a gym junkie but you do need to look after yourself.
Charm and manners – As part of your education, gather some tips on charm and manners. Anyone can be a rude, oafish prick – don’t be that guy!
Differentiate yourself by being considerate and polite.