Could Trying Harder be Part of the Problem?

 

When ejaculation isn’t happening, the natural response can be to try harder. More stimulation. More intensity. More focus. Come on … surely if I just keep going, I’ll get there. But what if trying harder is actually reinforcing the very pattern you’re trying to change?

The day I met Turtle Man. I’ll never forget one particular client.

We’d finished his tantric session. We’d slowed everything down, explored sensation throughout his body and allowed arousal to rise and fall without making ejaculation the goal. In fact, towards the end of the session he actually fell asleep on the table. Like as if his body was content. His body appeared so deeply relaxed he snored. He’d slowed down, let go and drifted off after experiencing waves of sensation. From where I was standing, his nervous system seemed pretty happy with proceedings.

His brain, however, apparently had unfinished business.

After the session he disappeared into the bathroom. And stayed there.

And stayed there some more.

Eventually I checked that everything was okay … and discovered a man absolutely determined to cross the finish line. His face was bright red and his little tongue was poking out with such fierce concentration that, in my head, he became Turtle Man.

The amount of effort was extraordinary. And the contrast really stayed with me. Only minutes earlier, his body had been relaxed enough to fall asleep. Now he was intensely focused on achieving the one thing that hadn’t happened during the session.

Ejaculation.

His body appeared perfectly content to stop … but his mind still wanted the ending it had learned to expect. And that raises an interesting question when we talk about delayed ejaculation:

What happens when the body is saying one thing … but the brain is demanding another?

 

Ok ok just need to say this though … Delayed ejaculation isn’t simply “not being able to come” although someone suffering would argue otherwise.

What I am saying thoug is … Delayed ejaculation can have many contributing factors. Medications, medical conditions, neurological and hormonal factors, psychological wellbeing, relationships and sexual habits can all play a role. So for medical reasons there isn’t one explanation that fits every man.

But research into delayed ejaculation has identified some interesting patterns.

 

For some men, masturbation can become very specific … a particular amount of pressure, speed, intensity, position, duration or type of stimulation. The body becomes very familiar with that particular recipe. The difficulty can arise when partnered sexual experiences don’t reproduce it. And when ejaculation then becomes difficult, what’s the instinctive response?

Often … more.

More pressure.

More speed.

More intensity.

More effort.

More focus on getting there.

And then the brain joins the party

There can also be a psychological layer to delayed ejaculation. Once the thought becomes:

Why haven’t I come yet? Attention can start shifting away from pleasure and towards performance.

Is it going to happen?

What’s wrong?

I need more.

I’m taking too long.

I just want to finish.

Suddenly you’re not simply experiencing what your body is feeling. You’re monitoring it. Judging it. Trying to make it perform.

 

And sexual pleasure has quietly turned into a job with a deadline.

So … could trying harder be part of the problem?

Sometimes.

That doesn’t mean masturbation causes delayed ejaculation. It doesn’t mean every man experiencing DE simply needs to change how he touches himself. And it certainly doesn’t mean there’s anything shameful about wanting to ejaculate.

But if your body has become accustomed to one very specific pathway … continually reinforcing that pathway may not help you discover others.

Which brings me back to Turtle Man. His response when ejaculation hadn’t happened was essentially:

Try harder. But he’d presumably tried harder plenty of times before.

So why would I want to spend the end of his tantra session helping him practise exactly the same thing again?

This is where tantra does things differently. Tantra isn’t about withholding ejaculation. FYI … If ejaculation arises naturally during an experience, there is absolutely no shame around that. But if a man is finding it something he’s trying to force …difficult to reach ejaculation and becomes totally fixated on making it happen, we don’t respond by turning the session into a mission to push for an outcome or chase a finish his body isn’t naturally moving towards.

Instead, we experiment … we keep it in the body … move the sexual energy … because it can move.

What happens if you slow down?

What happens if you change the type of stimulation?

What happens if you breathe rather than hold your breath?

What happens if you notice pleasure somewhere other than your genitals?

What happens if you allow arousal to rise … fall … and rise again?

What happens if you stop constantly checking whether you’re nearly there?

And perhaps the biggest experiment of all:

What happens when ejaculation doesn’t have to happen? Taking away that expectation can create space to discover other sensations and experiences of pleasure that may have been completely overlooked while all the attention was focused on reaching one particular destination.

That’s also why, in my FAQ about ejaculation and tantra, I explain that ejaculation isn’t the measure of whether you’ve had a successful tantric experience.

And … Delayed ejaculation doesn’t necessarily stay in the bedroom as just your problem.

One of the things I commonly hear from partners is:

“Is it me?”

“Are you not attracted to me anymore?”

“Why can you finish on your own, but not with me?”

And suddenly something that may have absolutely nothing to do with how attractive or desirable your partner is can start creating insecurity, pressure and distance between you. Then there’s even more pressure to ejaculate next time … because now you’re not only trying to reach an outcome for yourself, you’re trying to reassure your partner as well.

And pressure on top of pressure rarely makes sex feel better.

So if you’ve been here before … struggling to ejaculate, needing increasingly specific or intense stimulation, finding yourself chasing the finish, or watching your partner begin to wonder whether they’re the problem … maybe there is something you can do differently.

Not by trying harder. No death grips!

By getting curious about the patterns your body has learned and beginning to explore other ways of experiencing pleasure.

Maybe it’s time to try something different. There’s an old idea that doing the same thing over and over while expecting a different result doesn’t make a great deal of sense. Sexual habits aren’t exempt from that.

 

If you’ve always approached pleasure with the same stimulation, the same intensity and the same determination to reach the same finish … perhaps the answer isn’t more.

Perhaps it’s different.

Slow down.

Get curious.

Take the pressure away.

Let your body show you what else it can feel.

Because if trying harder hasn’t been working … why not try something different?